Having recently turned 30 and in the throws of playing "Hey, Where'd My 20s Go?", I now have relationship issues to add to it. This blog will hopefully be therapeutic in some way. Seems to help if i can write out my issues or whathaveyou. So why don't i just write in a journal then and be done with it? Yeah, well, why don't any of us?
My SO (significant other, if you don't know) and I have been together 4yrs this August. The first two years were long distance. It came to a point where we had to choose to either be together in person or end it. Well, we were in love by then & didn't want to end it. So, after much discussion, I moved. We've been living together for 2yrs this July 4th. I'm sure there's some irony in there somewhere, but it eludes me at the moment.
Last week after questioning his lack of affection for the last 3 months, he tells me I'm attractive but he's not attracted to me anymore. My weight is an issue. I weigh 9 lbs more than when we met 4yrs ago. I'd gained more, but have lost it all but this. Apparently this last 9 lbs I'm carrying around is a real turn off for him, tho. Then it turns out he felt I was a little heavy when he met me (I'd just lost 30 lbs) and just never said anything. Yeah, I was (am) a tad heavy, but I'm certainly not obese, and I wouldn't even call myself 'fat' (anymore). So of course my feelings are hurt. I feel like the last 4yrs have been a big lie. Like anything sweet he ever said was a lie. He thought I was attractive when we met and even when I gained weight there was no problem.
Naturally there's a lot more to the story, this is just the very bare bones. There are other issues at work as well, surrounding housework not getting done, etc. Usual cohabitating issues. I also think age is playing into it - he's 9yrs older. I think 40 is staring him in the face & letting its midlife crisis bark loudly. We're not legally married (tho I call him husband and feel we are) and have no children. I wants kids. He questions whether he's too old & set in his ways to be a good husband & father. But that's another issue unto itself. And yet out of it all, the weight 'issue' is the one I keep focusing on. It was a shock and really hurts, as I've always felt he's the most kind & caring person I've ever met. And deep down I know he is, but even kind people get upset and say nasty things sometimes. Especially when they keep it all bottled up, but again, I digress. Now I feel bitter and resentful toward him - but not all the time. Sometimes I feel hopeful it'll be okay and he'll maybe suddenly have an epiphany that I'm still the beautiful person inside & out that he fell in love with, and remember how he thought my body was beautiful once upon a time, and still is. I can hope, but I'm doubtful. We're supposed to go to counseling.
Oh yeah, and who let 30 in, anyway? Wasn't I just 23?.....